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It Ain't Me (2016)
It Ain't Me 2016 was held on November 11, 2016. The show was highlighted by Dynamite Derek defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle taking on Shawn Michaels, and Ben Unhinged battling against J-Pac. __TOC__ Background After years of trials and tribulation, Dynamite Derek finally vanquished the oppressive Triple H and banished him from SvR06. With the elusive World Heavyweight Championship firmly in his grasp at last, the Dark Luminary will now be presented with the new challenge of keeping the illustrious title. On the evening of In My Ass, Brock Lesnar decisively defeated Dynamite Derek's two closest friends to earn his first championship match since losing the prestigious top prize. As if Lesnar couldn't allow his matches to do his talking for him, Walter P. Wiley has reunited with WPW's former Problem Eliminator and is representing him moving forward. At the press event for the upcoming championship match at It Ain't Me, Walter addressed that Brock Lesnar spent the past year of his career slaying Scott Steiner, crucifying Kurt Angle, and crushing Ken Shamrock. With that in mind, the always-brazen Wiley questioned how Derek could possibly believe that he has any chance of walking away the victor and champion. Walter continued by saying that the world doesn't have real superheroes and real life isn't how it is in movies like Suicide Squad. He concluded by saying that stepping into the ring with Brock Lesnar, however, is like assisted suicide. Dynamite Derek has his greatest challenge ever in front of him at It Ain't Me, and in the back of his mind has to be the way his challenger dismantled his two best friends at In My Ass. But it can't be brushed aside that the champion's rise to the top has been built upon the power of believing. After making it this far, every ounce of strength is going to have to be exercised from the body of Dynamite Derek to pry the Word Heavyweight Title out of his grasp. But if Brock Lesnar's track record is any indication, it might not take much to do just that. As the Summer Olympic Games heat up Rio, gold medalist Kurt Angle returned to SvR06 for the first time since his intense battle with Brock Lesnar at Laugh Like Pee-wee. On the subject of his 1996 Olympic victory, Angle addressed his desires to want that feeling back again. With that in mind, the former Olympian announced that he wants a match with the greatest opponent he ever set foot in the ring with. He wants a match with Shawn Michaels. According to Kurt, if he can still beat the best then he can be champion once again. Michaels was initially silent, virtually shut off from the outside world to begin with. But after hearing about Angle's challenge in a pop-up on Farmer's Only, the Heartbreak Kid packed his bags and set his sights for It Ain't Me. Shawn claimed that Kurt is the most technically gifted athlete he has ever set foot in the ring with and acknowledged that he has a million different ways he can defeat an opponent. However, it will only take one kick to keep Angle down. Two of the all-time greats will return to the ring at It Ain't Me. For Kurt Angle, it's an opportunity to prove to himself that he still has what it takes to win gold once again. For Shawn Michaels, a victory could open the door to another run. It's a coliseum-worthy fight of a lifetime, and the games have already begun. Despite their championship ambitions, neither J-Pac nor Ben Unhinged left In My Ass with a title shot in hand. That opportunity went to their opponent, Brock Lesnar. Regardless of the outcome, J-Pac admitted that the moment he shared in the ring with his friend was the most alive he had felt since making his return from career-threatening injury. Wanting to recapture that feeling again, without the interjection of Brock Lesnar or anyone else, J-Pac challenged Ben Unhinged to a one-on-one match to take place at It Ain't Me. Ben told his friend that while he was happy that he could reignite his competitive spirit, he had to decline the challenge because he would take no great pleasure in defeating a friend with nothing on the line to show for it. Feeling a bit dejected, J-Pac was later approached by Walter P. Wiley. Walter questioned whether a real friend would turn down a spar with his pal the way Ben did. J-Pac told Walter that he knew he was trying to drive a wedge between he and Ben and assured him that it wasn't going to work. Walter retreated, but brought it to J-Pac's attention that Brock Lesnar couldn't have been the one who left him laying in a parking lot the night before In My Ass because they were backstage finalizing their deal at the time. Walter left him with the parting advice that his friends might not always be who they seem. Once again, J-Pac attempted to convince Ben to agree to compete against him. This time, he appealed to Ben's wallet by pointing out how much of a draw the two of them would be. With Ben still unconvinced, J-Pac told him how much of a difference a payday like that would make to his family. Unable to disrespect his friend's family, Ben Unhinged finally agreed to the match under the strict terms that it would be entirely professional. The Infinity Kid will step into the ring once again with The Absolute Madman in a marquee-worthy match-up. Despite everything that has led up to this exhibition, the two have agreed to leave every squabble and moment of mistrust at the door in the name of friendly competition. The two will have the opportunity to put their unmatched skills on display in their first-ever singles match since Ben handed the championship over to J-Pac at the infamous Dr. Meinheimer. No matter who comes out on top, it's sure to be a great display of athleticism and friendship that will be remembered for the ages. At In My Ass, Mark Jindrak embarked on his journey to Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII and the World Heavyweight Championship when he took on former champion Rob Van Dam with successful results. Mr. Money in the Bank's mentor, Ric Flair, noted that to the victor go the spoils before presenting Jindrak with his very own stretch limousine. Before he could enjoy his first ride in style, former World champion DEFAULT arrived to put his claws together for Jindrak and his success. Before the subject could even come up, the Nature Boy informed DEFAULT that he had no business sharing the same space with two all-time greats, much less a wrestling ring. Jindrak told DEFAULT that things have changed since he was last champion, and that the business has passed by people like him. To further insult him, he continued by telling the dwarfish DEFAULT that he wasn't even qualified to be his limo driver even if he was tall enough to see over the steering wheel. DEFAULT left without retaliation, admitting that he was fed up with being criticized for his appearance. After a long absence, it was later revealed by Commissioner Barkley that DEFAULT had begun undergoing a form of treatment for his physical condition. Once medically cleared, he will return to the ring to take on Mark Jindrak at It Ain't Me. Since siding with Ric Flair, Jindrak has created a newfound momentum for himself. But with a guarantee that we will see a brand new DEFAULT at It Ain't Me, neither the Nature Boy nor the Mark-Out Moment Maker know what to expect. After months of arduous battle, Sheamus managed to break Batista's deathgrip on the coveted United States Championship. While this victory was self-validating on a personal level, it painted a target on him professionally. Chris Jericho, on the other hand, has been on a crusade as of late to return order to SvR06. After The Mullet Club disrupted his match against Count Out in chaotic fashion, Jericho made it his mission to return stability to a world run by the morally bankrupt and the ethically disenfranchised. With his one-man Y2Justice movement in full effect, Y2J searched for the source of this current state of decadence. After weeks of stringent research, funded by the donations he requested through Patreon, Jericho determined that there was a rift in the moral fabric whenever Harambe the Gorilla was assassinated. Despite pointing the finger of blame at the people, he decided that he would take it upon himself to unite them with a moment of silence in tribute to Harambe while he would repeatedly sing the chorus of Baltimora's Tarzan Boy. Instead, Jericho was met with a chorus of boos before the audience members were saved by Sheamus. The Irish-born champion of the United States informed Y2J that he may be screeching a song for a gorilla but all he's doing is acting like a horse's arse. Jericho, outraged by this act of disrespect, blamed champions like Sheamus for setting a bad example for the people. Later, Jericho would ambush Sheamus and force-feed him bananas. He told the champion that this was Harambe's last meal, and that it'll be the last meal he has with the United States Title around his waist. Sheamus will put the United States Championship up for grabs against Chris Jericho at It Ain't Me, in a match that Y2J has dedicated to the fallen Harambe. Can the Celtic Warrior firmly stand his ground or will Jericho have his justice? The main event of Memorial Day Madness was marred in controversy whenever blockbuster showdown between Dynamite Derek and Swiss Superman was disrupted by three mullet-sporting masked men. Weeks later, the same three men stormed the ring during the Countout match between Chris Jericho and Count Out at In My Ass. Once Jericho had fled in defeat, the trio beat down an already-battered Count Out and shaved his lengthy locks clean from his head. Shortly after, the three individuals unmasked to reveal their identities: Scott Hall, Scott Steiner, and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Dubbing themselves The Mullet Club, the tandem unveiled their intentions to take back the wrestling business from the younger crop and return it to its glory days of closed-circuit television and lengthy holds. Considering their track record as a unit thus far, someone would have had to have been either brave or foolish to question the rule of the newly-formed Mullet Club. Naturally, they were confronted by The Shithouses, with Josh the Cat inquiring if they were kitten him right meow. The feline voice of the lovable losers would inform the new team in town that if they want to be considered SvR06's top trio that they would have to knock of its current top trio. Considering they are SvR06's only other trio, The Mullet Club had no problem with this. Living up to his name, Savage told their opponents that he was going to mount their ugly heads on his mantle as a reminder to all the pie-in-the-sky millennials who really runs this house. The battle lines have been drawn for both these two sides, and at It Ain't Me, a turf war will break out between two generations. Will youth and innovation be able to prevail over age and experience? At the twelfth edition of the Fest, Wrestler: Unstoppable seemingly had many opportunities to finally break out into the main event scene by winning the Money in the Bank Ladder match. Unfortunately, every time he would reach for the coveted contract, he was struck with the uncanny feeling that his arms were getting shorter. Upon reviewing the footage, with assistance from his apparent romantic endeavor Lita, the Secret Agent Man noticed that the briefcase was being pulled away from him by a then-unknown figure in the rafters. Security footage revealed that it was, in fact, Iron Sheik who was responsible for this vile act of chicanery. In his time away from the ring, Sheik revealed that he had undergone a type of skin transplant therapy using grafts from his purportedly 10-inch cock. The procedure was not without its side effects, of course, including noticeably more curly facial hair and occasional stiffness during moments of excitement. In regards to his actions, the irate Iranian would say nothing other than that he "did it for the spook." Regardless of who "the spook" may be in reference to, Wrestler: Unstoppable and his fiery new friend Lita want to settle the score with Iron Sheik and find out who's really behind this targeted attack on the super-spy. The two will square off at the inaugural It Ain't Me, where hopefully we will learn more about the true circumstances behind Iron Sheik's return. After coming up short on his Intercontinental ambitions at this year's Fest, Carlito concluded that he may have lost his cool in recent months. Nevertheless, the Caribbean native refused to give up and promised to double down on his journey back to the main event of the biggest show of the year. Despite the support of many, one individual in particular wasn't thrilled with this revelation. An individual on a one-man crusade to cure America of its ails, Muhammad Hassan. The self-appointed savior, fresh off his victory over Tajiri, refused to allow a migrant worker like Carlito to take main event opportunities away from hard-working Americans like himself. In response, Carlito inquired why a hard-working American like Hassan isn't SvR06's longest-reigning world champion instead of him. Hassan informed the Puerto Rican Carlito that someone needs to remind him where his place his. Someone needs to remind him that he's just a tiny island in Hassan's vast territory. Carlito's conviction to once again reaching the top of the wrestling world is unquestioned, but to get there he'll have to overcome the proverbial wall known as Muhammad Hassan at It Ain't Me. After defeating the legendary Ultimo Dragon at In My Ass, Rey Mysterio declared that he's consistently been the greatest fighting champion SvR06 has. After eight months of taking on anonymous challengers that he has had no time to prepare for, Mysterio announced that he was taking a well-deserved leave so that he could train and refresh for the benefit of all of his admiring fans. In his absence, it was announced that the cruiserweight division would be represented by two of Arrested Developmental's most exciting competitors under the weight of 225 pounds. The winner of this golden opportunity match-up will not only receive a main roster contract, but will earn a title shot at Rey Mysterio's Cruiserweight Championship. Upon hearing this news, the champion rushed back from rigorously laying on a beach in Cancun and demanded that he be included in any sort of decision concerning the future of his title. After much debate between Commissioner Barkley and Guest Assistant Commissioner Slaughter, as well as consultation with Arrested Developmental's Head of Operations Jeff Jarrett, the decision was made that Rey Mysterio will be allowed to officiate this match at It Ain't Me if he defends the title against the winner at an upcoming Developmental Hell special. As Rey Mysterio's lengthy tenure as champion rolls on, more and more cruiserweights from around the world are stepping up to challenge the shrewd titleholder. But with this opportunity, the winner will become a full-time member of the SvR06 roster regardless if they become champion or not. Results On this Veteran’s Day, the competitors of SvR06 paid homage by taking to their own battlefield within the squared-circle. Whether it be two athletes in their prime set for the fight of their lives, an American hero looking for one last run in spite of a showstopping roadblock, or two friends looking to settle their differences, the powder kegs had already been laid for what was guaranteed to be an explosive event. Kicking things off in a patriotic way, Sheamus put his United States Championship on the line against the solitary leader of the Y2Justice movement, Chris Jericho. To ensure that his entrance wouldn’t be potentially triggering for the audience, Jericho had all pyrotechnics and strobe lighting removed. Y2J entered the contest with every intention to do whatever to take to wrangle the championship away from Sheamus, including resorting to underhanded tactics. Unfortunately for the dastardly challenger, the defending champion had no issue operating outside of the rules as well. This was most apparent after Jericho attempted to introduce a chair into the match, unbeknownst to the referee, and had it bashed over his head as a result by the Irish-born champion. Following a subsequent Brogue Kick, Sheamus defeated Jericho to keep the title clasped around his waist. After being informed by his girlfriend Lita that the Money in the Bank contract had been kept out of his reach by Iron Sheik, Wrestler: Unstoppable looked to get a little payback on the man who cost him the biggest break of his career. On top of that, the Secret Agent Man hoped to uncover who this phantom menace was that influenced Sheik’s actions. Although her intentions were pure, Lita’s presence at ringside seemed to ultimately be a hindrance to her object of affection as the raving Sheik would lock Wrestler: Unstoppable into the Camel Clutch for the submission victory. The superspy had tasted bitter defeat before, but almost more important than the result was the fact that the identity of the mysterious “spook” remained shrouded in shadows. At Road to It Ain’t Me, Jushin Tiger was set up and ambushed by all three members of The Mullet Club. By the time that Chewbacca and Josh the Cat could make the save, the damage had already been done. With Tiger left unable to compete, the two remaining members of The Shithouses had to go it alone against the tandem of Macho Man, Scott Hall, and Scott Steiner in their debut match as a tandem. Like a well-oiled machine, the three ring veterans dissected the ring to keep Chewie from making any frequent tags to his partner. Along with utilizing the numbers game to perplex their opponents about who the legal man was, with a little anarchy on the side, the Shithouses were systematically dismantled due to the intensive leadership of Savage, the wild card antics of Steiner, and the clean-up job provided by Hall. After an extensive vacation, Rey Mysterio returned to referee the bout between Arrested Developmental’s Scotty 2 Hotty and Spike Dudley where the winner would receive a Cruiserweight Championship opportunity. Immediately, Mysterio took the opportunity to ascend the announce table and posture for the less-than-enthusiastic crowd. As the two astounding athletes continued to take the spotlight away from Mysterio, the Cruiserweight Champion eventually grew frustrated and physically ejected the two from the ring before counting them both out. Due to this questionable officiating, neither competitor will be challenging Mysterio for the championship. For months, the friendship between Ben Unhinged and J-Pac has been down rocky roads. After a devastating loss to Brock Lesnar, the pair continued to not see eye-to-eye. J-Pac, keeping the best interest of his household’s financial well-being in mind, hoped that a match with Ben would have great marquee potential as well as declare a better man in their competitive squabble. After initially brushing it off, Ben eventually acquiesced to bring these two storied allies together as opponents. Ben Unhinged kicked off the match in aggressive fashion by shoving J-Pac to the mat during the opening lockup. J-Pac would later return the favor with some aggression of his own, much to the surprise of Ben. As the two battled back-and-forth, Ben Unhinged eventually earned the literal upper hand and finished J-Pac off with a patented flurry of fists. Ben left the ring, visibly frustrated in spite of his victory, without offering assistance to his defeated friend or even a post-match handshake. Continuing his mission of taking down foreign agitators in the name of American unity, Muhammad Hassan took on Carlito. Before the event, Guest Assistant Commissioner Slaughter ruled that this bout would be made a Tables match. This new stipulation provided difficulty for the nationalistic Hassan, especially against a decorated former champion like Carlito. However, would once again defeat another American immigrant by throwing caution to the wind and diving onto his opponent’s prone body on top of a table. After months of radical genetic therapy, DEFAULT returned to the ring with a drastically altered appearance to take on Mark Jindrak. Along with his manager Ric Flair, Jindrak has been determined to prove his superiority to every former World Heavyweight Champion before he cashes in his Money in the Bank contract at Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII. With his newly-conceived proportional body and dexterity, DEFAULT’s athletic ability seemed more finely tuned than ever. But with Ric Flair repeatedly interjecting himself into the action, Jindrak was allowed to turn the tide on numerous occasions. Unable to tolerate his meddling any longer, DEFAULT planted the Nature Boy with a Funny-5 before succumbing to an expertly-applied submission hold immediately thereafter. As his winning ways continue, it can be expected that Jindrak will once again be extravagantly rewarded as his road to glory rolls onward. After suffering a loss against Brock Lesnar at the beginning of the year, Kurt Angle has been unable to escape the thought that he might not have what it takes anymore. To prove himself wrong, he wanted to compete against and defeat the best of the best. With that in mind, he issued a challenge to Shawn Michaels. Shawn was relatively coy in the weeks leading up to the event. That was until the final face-to-face between himself and Angle at Road to It Ain’t Me. The Olympic Hero informed HBK that he absolutely had to win this match, no matter how many Angle Slams or ankle locks it took. Michaels retorted that he wasn’t going to let Angle create a comeback off of his reputation and began to inform him that his slams and locks paled in comparison to one move of his own. Angle was swiftly reminded what that maneuver was when his chin was greeted by the sweet music of Shawn Michaels’ boot. The two ring generals put everything on the line in a technical showcase for the ages, eventually building to the dreaded superkick that Shawn had previously warned of. Following a signature two-step, Michaels collapsed alongside Angle as the match almost concluded in a draw. Once both made it back to their feet, Michaels fought back against an Angle Slam while Angle mastered his way out of a flying elbow drop. After both men had exhausted everything they had in their arsenal, the Showstopper mustered up enough strength to land one final kick that managed to keep Kurt down for the three-count. After failing to achieve his goal of self-affirmation, where does Kurt Angle go from here? Fresh off his Intercontinental Championship win, Chance issued an open challenge to anyone on the roster with a guaranteed future title shot up for grabs. The call was answered by The Watcher, Wing. Keeping Chance’s bouncer, Chris Masters at bay, Wing was able to lock the Intercontinental Champion in a decisive sleeper hold to earn himself a shot at the gold. After months of anticipation and promotion, Brock Lesnar challenged Dynamite Derek for the coveted World Heavyweight Championship. As the match kicked off, Brock made Dynamite Derek wait a little while longer as he commenced in his routine calisthenics that manager Walter P. Wiley has dubbed “Lesnarcising.” Rather than completely the workout, however, Lesnar took a break to make good on the promise of suplexing the champion so many times that he defecated blood. Brock attempted to return to his routine but was interrupted by a suicide dive from Dynamite Derek. The two eventually would battle their way onto the announce table, where the Dark Luminary would drive Lesnar straight to the ground below. Like a disgruntled bear, Lesnar returned with a mounted onslaught of rage that bruised and battered his opponent. It was at this point that another monstrous competitor took the opportunity to make a splash in the match, as The Shark entered the ring and set his sights on Lesnar. Instinctively, Brock managed to German suplex the oncoming behemoth out of the equation but the outside of the ring quickly became dangerous waters. Dynamite Derek attempted to capitalize on this diversion by diving from the ring towards the monster mash, but Lesnar ducked just in time for the soaring champion to collide with The Shark. Brock attempted to use this new change in momentum to his advantage, but ultimately found himself on the receiving end of Boom Goes the Dynamite and a pinfall defeat. Dynamite Derek managed to escape by the skin of his teeth with the World Heavyweight Title still in his possession, whereas The Shark has made it explicitly clear that the next man he wants to sink his teeth into is Brock Lesnar.